Post by ivana on Jan 21, 2006 1:39:52 GMT -5
Retrospect
[/u][/size]Have you ever been so confused that you can’t think clearly?
Ever been so mad, you just wanted to end everything?
Ever tossed and turned in your sleep because you’ve done something wrong?
Have you actually thought about what you’ll do with your life, if anything went terribly wrong?
Commitment is one of the biggest fears known to man.
It many effects the male race.
It’s pathetic how people can’t commit to anything.
Me? I can almost commit to anything, almost like an addiction.
There you are, wondering if that’s a good thing or a bad thing. You know I’ve never figured it out yet.
I’ve lived with way too many commitments in my life. It’s about time I give up on one.
Maybe two.
It’s interesting how you can lose interest in something so quickly.
People have never found it hard to get my attention, if they are lucky.
Lately, I haven’t been paying attention to anyone besides myself. I’ve been stressing.
I have too many things to think and worry about.
I have to stay in shape.
I always have to be on the top of my game.
They like to attack.
Maybe, just maybe I should start attacking back?
I’d never thought of it that way. Maybe they attack me because they think I’m weaker than them.
But really if they watched me. They’d know. I’m stronger. My appearance is deceiving.
I’ve had headaches and bad luck. But, I’m surpassing all my stereotypes.
An let me tell you it feels amazing. I feel like I’m on the top of the world
No one is stopping me. I’ve got momentum.
I make my heart accelerate. And I’m into it.
It feels brilliant. Who am I kidding?
I am brilliant.
I’m everything you’ve ever wanted but couldn’t have.
I’m ‘God’s Gift’, I’m Ivana Maria Sanders.
You can’t stop me.
Nothing can. People have tried.
I’m invincible.
Not even a Semi Truck can stop me. But we’ll get to that later.
When the time is right, for everything to come out.
For the sh*t to really hit the fan.
You’re scared. Don’t be, it doesn’t really concern you.[/color]
********************************
No Such Thing As Reality[/b]
It’s crowded, almost too crowded. I shake my hips as I walk through the mall. Something I haven’t done in ages. A new strand of confidence has overcome me. I’m not going to lie, I’m enjoying this. As I pick out clothes in the stores I think of nothing besides, how great I’ll look in anything. For once I finally have the money to spend. I still have a guilty conscious, but that’s okay. It’s only one regret from ‘yesterday’ that only seems to grow with time. I’m good at covering it up. I’ll get it off my chest some day, but right now I like having a secret, I’ve liked it for years, actually.
All of the sudden it feels like someone’s dropped a bomb on me. An inside contained a spell. A potion that takes away fear. I know what that bomb is. It is standing next to me. He is next to me. Amazing Jesse. The longest relationship I’ve ever had with the opposite sex. I’ve always had trouble with that. I compared every man to Jesus, himself. Ten seconds left on this minute, every minute spent with him is a memory. Every moment is momentous. He is truly special. If I had a penny for every time he made me snort and spit milk out my nose... I’d be well two cents richer. Two cents wiser too, It only took my two times to learn not to laugh while drinking milk. He is stupendous. He supports me one hundred percent in my career. He’s moved in with me. He hasn’t told me much about himself. I keep wondering if he is just modest or if he’s using me.[/i]
Jesse:
You look wonderful in green, it really brings out your blue eyes.
What is he talking about, green couldn’t possibly bring out my eyes? Does he even pay attention? Who am I kidding I wouldn’t pay attention to a girl with this body either if she was wasting all their mall time trying on turtleneck sweaters. What was I thinking? Obviously, I wasn’t. I am totally oblivious. [/i]
Ivana:
You’re right I look good in green. But, I think this is a little to, grandma like. Go pick me out something...
My voice lowers to a whisper....I wink as I say..[/i]
...different...
Jesse smiles. He reads me like an open book. I’m the shoelaces on his shoes and he’s the toenail polish on my tiny toenails. He’s sweet. He’s almost sprinting through the store it seems. Oh No, he’s grabbed a plain white t-shirt. He’s got something up his sleeve. His grin is mischievous, oddly enough I enjoy this. Tonight is the night, perhaps a good luck omen. Wouldn’t that be amazing, My first time.[/i]
Jesse:
Here we’ll decorate it and cut it up. Then we’ll have a shirt that really describes how special you are too me. You mean the world to me. Don’t hold this against me. But, What if I told you everything that matters is standing right next to me?
Shocked, I look around. I’m looking for some tall leggy blond but I don’t see her. The only person next to him is me. We reach in and hug, a small flowing creek drains down from my blushing blue eyes and onto my rosy cheeks. I’ve always been a sucker for sweet talk. I can’t let him get to me.
I’m Ivana. I’m ‘God’s Gift’. I’m different than the other girls. I’m the one who you’ve always wanted but couldn’t have. I’m not like Randal Justice. I don’t go around paying for my ‘body guard’ to get lap dances. You know what.. I don’t even need a body guard. If she’s so great, then why does she need one? Does it make her feel special? The only thing that has anything to do with special that pertains to her is Special Ed. She seriously needs some help. What kind of woman goes and watches women? Yes, I said women. That is so sleazy. In fact it’s sickening to even think about. I don’t have doubts about Wrestlefest. I’ve never been one to hold a Grudge, but Randi you better watch your back.
Jesse:
Something wrong? You’re holding me really tight all the sudden. I think I’m starting to go numb.
I shake my head back to reality. Who am I kidding, there is no such thing as reality, all my dreams are coming true. It’s a scary but uplifting rush at the same time. I can’t help but think about it. I will win Sunday. I’m sick of you Randi. Everything is going right, right now, and I’m not going to let some little tramp like you stop it.
Ivana:
Let’s pay for this and go. I’m feeling...
He looks into my eyes. He knows exactly what I’m thinking.
We don’t even buy the shirt, but rush out of the store.
The scene fades to black.[/center]
