Post by Seth Xavier on Jan 6, 2006 3:58:30 GMT -5
Decisions…
That is what it all boils down to. I need to make some decisions on where my life is going.
King said to get to the top; I needed to be ruthless, to be more relentless, and to be more violent. In essence he told me to become someone else.
He said it would bring to my goal sooner. It would bring me to the top of the mountain sooner.
Should I do these things?
Should I follow this man?
I feel that I shouldn’t.
But when he gets near me, and he suggests these things, I fall into this person I am not. I become someone else so to speak.
His personality is strong. He is very charismatic. When he suggests things, it is hard to deny him.
I don’t understand it. I feel lost again.
I have a teacher, he claims to have a path to greatness presented before me, but I am not sure if I should walk down it.
He says it is the easy way to the top. It is appealing.
I want to be at the apex so bad. It is my one desire right now. It has consumed my every thought. I don’t know if the path there is worth it.
But I guess I am already walking down that path. Forced down it, I must continue.
Here is my story, as it continues….
Rena, my beautiful sister, was never called beautiful in high school. She was never called beautiful in college. She has never had anyone call her that other than me. She was never beautiful by the standard that society set. She was plump and short. Not a good combination in this day and age. She didn’t have the most perfect features. Her face was awkward as it was angular with her cheek bones sticking out, but she has fat around the jaw line. I don’t mean to put her down; I have much love for her. But physically she was never considered beautiful. But she is. It is the quirky qualities only someone close would see. Qualities only I see. Back in high school, someone would always try to be the badass and say something slick about her to get attention. They just never realized that she had a very protective older brother who would be there to put that person back in their place.
“But it is just hard not to make fun of her, look at her. She is ugly.”
That is an example of the remark I would hear. I would usually hear it right before my fist connected with the person face. I never considered it fighting. It always ended there until the next jackass came around to say something. Rena came to rely on me. For the longest time I thought that was my place. To protect her, I didn’t see myself as anything more. Then something changed. I can’t pinpoint it exactly, but I woke up one day and felt the need for a change. I didn’t act on this need immediately. I ignored it, and thought I was doing what was best. Then that need would flicker. It would flicker alive again. It became more evident. It moved from the back of my mind to the forefront of every thought. I became tortured. I didn’t know what to do. Then everything went blank. The next thing I remember is standing on that beach, saying good bye to Rena.
“I guess this is good bye then.”
I said good bye to the person I had devoted my life to. I worked to put this girl through college. I took ridicule from everyone for not seeking my own future but building hers. I devoted everything I could to her. And then like that, I left her. I hate to admit it, but I felt alive for the first time. I felt a sense of freedom. I didn’t feel bound by her. I feel more like my own person now. I hate it. I left the one person that cared for me the most. I brought sadness to her life. I always seem to be at a crossroads with everything I do in my life. I always question the decision I make.
“Do you miss home?”
The four words that sent me toward the shit end of my relationship with my sister. I still haven’t spoken to her since we had that disastrous conversation. I didn’t let her know I was back in Venice Beach when I was there. I didn’t call her after I beat Morbid Angel. I didn’t even think about her. I didn’t think about her until I held that chair. I wanted to slam it into his head. I wanted to punish this guy for the shit he talked. But when I went to swing, I froze. I thought about her. I thought about Rena.
“That doesn’t sound like you at all. I can’t believe you did that.”
Those were the words that she said to me when I slapped Morbid on Slam after my debut match. I thought about what words I would say to her after I hit him with a chair. I thought about what her reaction would be to me being the bully that I protected her from for her whole life. I do not want to be that person. I don’t want to be that person that can’t see my sister for how beautiful she truly is. Now in the after math of all that I wonder what our next conversation would be. I recall the last words in that conversation.
“Why? What is so wrong with Venice Beach? Why is it you have to be somewhere else?”
“Because I just do…”
“I want a reason.”
“…”
“Seth, I want a real reason why you can’t just stay in Venice Beach.”
“Because you are there.”[/i]
I replay them constantly in my head. I regret saying them. I regret telling her the truth. I wished I would have lied to her. I have always been honest with her, and now I think it was the worse thing I have ever done. Slamming that chair into Morbid’s head doesn’t seem so bad compared to that. Rena, my beautiful sister, I wish she could aid me. For once I need her to look out for me. But I don’t have her. I only have the guidance of King. Enigmatic King.
“Who are you then?”
That grin, it hasn’t left the man’s face since it appeared.
“You can say I am a King of sorts.”
King, why does he help me? Why am I so fascinating? He sees something in me. He believes in me. He says what I need to hear. Or is it what I want to hear? He is offering me guidance, a chance to get to the top. A place I guess he has been. Is it is a place he wants to get back to? I do not know his motivation for helping me, or guiding my career. I do not know what he wants from me. But I trust him. I listen intently to every word he throws my way. I follow him blindly. But then I don’t. I wasn’t ruthless with Morbid Angel.
“You will kick his teeth down his throat. You will be relentless in your assault on him.”
I did do part of that. I kicked him square in the mouth. I did it twice even. But I wasn’t relentless in my assault. Do I necessarily have to be relentless? Do I have to be ruthless?
“He is looking to take something from you. He is looking to beat you within an inch of your life. He is looking to set you on the path of losing. I said that match at the pay per view was not relevant. It isn’t at the moment. But if you lose, it will become relevant. Everyone loses; it is keeping from becoming a habit that matters. You have to make sure you don’t make it a habit, or you will remain a nobody in this industry. You cannot let him do what he wants to do you. You must do that to him. You must do more than just win. You must make him realize that you are Seth Xavier, you are his superior. It will send a message to the company that they are inferior to you.”
King said that about Morbid, but it applies to everyone. I need to be relentless. I just don’t know if I can. King has faith in me to be able to dish out a beat down on everyone. I just don’t know if I have it in me.
“It is all about business. It is what will help climb that ladder up to the top.”
To the top of the ladder, the place I want my career to be. It is all about business. That is the attitude I will have come Saturday. I will be entering the main event again. I will be facing off against two men who have a past with each other. Havok and Martin Paine, two men who have been fighting over the Junior Heavyweight title. This title means nothing to me. These two guys mean nothing to me. I just get thrown into their fight against my will. I will use it to boost myself up the ladder of Valor. I have no problem with either guy. The both have an extreme dislike for each other. I get to add the chaos factor to the situation. King would love this. He would tell me to take advantage of this situation. I can almost hear it now.
“You have the opportunity to take out two of Valor’s rising talents in one blow. Use this to get noticed. Beat both of them. Make sure you are the one standing tall at the end of the match. Make sure your hand is raised. Make sure that it happens by any means necessary. If you have to use underhanded tactics, do so. Be brutal. Make a fucking impact. At the end of the night when the crowd leaves, make sure they are not thinking about Tha CBT, make sure they are not thinking about Caden Dean, and absolutely make sure they are not thinking of Havok and Paine. They need to have only one thing on their minds at the end of Shotglass, Seth Xavier. They need to leave thinking of you and nothing else. That will ensure that you are on the path to greatness.”
King doesn’t even have to be present for me to know what he wants me to do. All I need to do is think and it is there.
“You need to be at the tip of their tongue when they go to speak. When the women go home, they need to be screaming your name at the end of the night, not the guy that they are with. Make an impression on Havok and Paine. Make them realize at the end of the night, they just got their shit shoved in by the better wrestler. Torture them to get your message across.”
King, he has a way with words, crude but intelligent at the same time, and always clever. I need to make sure that Havok and Martin Paine leave that match knowing that they just got beaten by the new star of Valor. That is what I need to do. But can I do what I need to do? Am I going to have second thoughts again? Or am I going to ram a steel chair into someone’s head? Am I going to shove my foot down someone’s throat? Fuck yes. Just thinking about King’s advice turns me into that other person. He doesn’t even need to present.
“Don’t you want to be the next Eric Hardcastle?”
Yes. My absolute desire. Not to be him personally, but to be him. To be a superstar like him. To be on top of the company. To be on top of Valor. That is what I want. That is my desire, my goal, and I dare say, my destiny. But first I need to take the next baby step. I need to eliminate my opponents from their rungs on the ladder so I can move up. Havok will fall. Paine will fall. Both will fall. I will do what is needed to be done to make sure they aren’t above me in the Valor food chain. My story continues. I face Havok and Martin Paine. I will walk into Shotglass as Seth Xavier, and everyone else will walk out talking about Seth Xavier. It is time for me to rise. It is time for my story to move on.
That is what it all boils down to. I need to make some decisions on where my life is going.
King said to get to the top; I needed to be ruthless, to be more relentless, and to be more violent. In essence he told me to become someone else.
He said it would bring to my goal sooner. It would bring me to the top of the mountain sooner.
Should I do these things?
Should I follow this man?
I feel that I shouldn’t.
But when he gets near me, and he suggests these things, I fall into this person I am not. I become someone else so to speak.
His personality is strong. He is very charismatic. When he suggests things, it is hard to deny him.
I don’t understand it. I feel lost again.
I have a teacher, he claims to have a path to greatness presented before me, but I am not sure if I should walk down it.
He says it is the easy way to the top. It is appealing.
I want to be at the apex so bad. It is my one desire right now. It has consumed my every thought. I don’t know if the path there is worth it.
But I guess I am already walking down that path. Forced down it, I must continue.
Here is my story, as it continues….
/////////////////////////
/////////////////////////
/////////////////////////
Rena, my beautiful sister, was never called beautiful in high school. She was never called beautiful in college. She has never had anyone call her that other than me. She was never beautiful by the standard that society set. She was plump and short. Not a good combination in this day and age. She didn’t have the most perfect features. Her face was awkward as it was angular with her cheek bones sticking out, but she has fat around the jaw line. I don’t mean to put her down; I have much love for her. But physically she was never considered beautiful. But she is. It is the quirky qualities only someone close would see. Qualities only I see. Back in high school, someone would always try to be the badass and say something slick about her to get attention. They just never realized that she had a very protective older brother who would be there to put that person back in their place.
“But it is just hard not to make fun of her, look at her. She is ugly.”
That is an example of the remark I would hear. I would usually hear it right before my fist connected with the person face. I never considered it fighting. It always ended there until the next jackass came around to say something. Rena came to rely on me. For the longest time I thought that was my place. To protect her, I didn’t see myself as anything more. Then something changed. I can’t pinpoint it exactly, but I woke up one day and felt the need for a change. I didn’t act on this need immediately. I ignored it, and thought I was doing what was best. Then that need would flicker. It would flicker alive again. It became more evident. It moved from the back of my mind to the forefront of every thought. I became tortured. I didn’t know what to do. Then everything went blank. The next thing I remember is standing on that beach, saying good bye to Rena.
“I guess this is good bye then.”
I said good bye to the person I had devoted my life to. I worked to put this girl through college. I took ridicule from everyone for not seeking my own future but building hers. I devoted everything I could to her. And then like that, I left her. I hate to admit it, but I felt alive for the first time. I felt a sense of freedom. I didn’t feel bound by her. I feel more like my own person now. I hate it. I left the one person that cared for me the most. I brought sadness to her life. I always seem to be at a crossroads with everything I do in my life. I always question the decision I make.
“Do you miss home?”
The four words that sent me toward the shit end of my relationship with my sister. I still haven’t spoken to her since we had that disastrous conversation. I didn’t let her know I was back in Venice Beach when I was there. I didn’t call her after I beat Morbid Angel. I didn’t even think about her. I didn’t think about her until I held that chair. I wanted to slam it into his head. I wanted to punish this guy for the shit he talked. But when I went to swing, I froze. I thought about her. I thought about Rena.
“That doesn’t sound like you at all. I can’t believe you did that.”
Those were the words that she said to me when I slapped Morbid on Slam after my debut match. I thought about what words I would say to her after I hit him with a chair. I thought about what her reaction would be to me being the bully that I protected her from for her whole life. I do not want to be that person. I don’t want to be that person that can’t see my sister for how beautiful she truly is. Now in the after math of all that I wonder what our next conversation would be. I recall the last words in that conversation.
“Why? What is so wrong with Venice Beach? Why is it you have to be somewhere else?”
“Because I just do…”
“I want a reason.”
“…”
“Seth, I want a real reason why you can’t just stay in Venice Beach.”
“Because you are there.”[/i]
I replay them constantly in my head. I regret saying them. I regret telling her the truth. I wished I would have lied to her. I have always been honest with her, and now I think it was the worse thing I have ever done. Slamming that chair into Morbid’s head doesn’t seem so bad compared to that. Rena, my beautiful sister, I wish she could aid me. For once I need her to look out for me. But I don’t have her. I only have the guidance of King. Enigmatic King.
“Who are you then?”
That grin, it hasn’t left the man’s face since it appeared.
“You can say I am a King of sorts.”
King, why does he help me? Why am I so fascinating? He sees something in me. He believes in me. He says what I need to hear. Or is it what I want to hear? He is offering me guidance, a chance to get to the top. A place I guess he has been. Is it is a place he wants to get back to? I do not know his motivation for helping me, or guiding my career. I do not know what he wants from me. But I trust him. I listen intently to every word he throws my way. I follow him blindly. But then I don’t. I wasn’t ruthless with Morbid Angel.
“You will kick his teeth down his throat. You will be relentless in your assault on him.”
I did do part of that. I kicked him square in the mouth. I did it twice even. But I wasn’t relentless in my assault. Do I necessarily have to be relentless? Do I have to be ruthless?
“He is looking to take something from you. He is looking to beat you within an inch of your life. He is looking to set you on the path of losing. I said that match at the pay per view was not relevant. It isn’t at the moment. But if you lose, it will become relevant. Everyone loses; it is keeping from becoming a habit that matters. You have to make sure you don’t make it a habit, or you will remain a nobody in this industry. You cannot let him do what he wants to do you. You must do that to him. You must do more than just win. You must make him realize that you are Seth Xavier, you are his superior. It will send a message to the company that they are inferior to you.”
King said that about Morbid, but it applies to everyone. I need to be relentless. I just don’t know if I can. King has faith in me to be able to dish out a beat down on everyone. I just don’t know if I have it in me.
“It is all about business. It is what will help climb that ladder up to the top.”
To the top of the ladder, the place I want my career to be. It is all about business. That is the attitude I will have come Saturday. I will be entering the main event again. I will be facing off against two men who have a past with each other. Havok and Martin Paine, two men who have been fighting over the Junior Heavyweight title. This title means nothing to me. These two guys mean nothing to me. I just get thrown into their fight against my will. I will use it to boost myself up the ladder of Valor. I have no problem with either guy. The both have an extreme dislike for each other. I get to add the chaos factor to the situation. King would love this. He would tell me to take advantage of this situation. I can almost hear it now.
“You have the opportunity to take out two of Valor’s rising talents in one blow. Use this to get noticed. Beat both of them. Make sure you are the one standing tall at the end of the match. Make sure your hand is raised. Make sure that it happens by any means necessary. If you have to use underhanded tactics, do so. Be brutal. Make a fucking impact. At the end of the night when the crowd leaves, make sure they are not thinking about Tha CBT, make sure they are not thinking about Caden Dean, and absolutely make sure they are not thinking of Havok and Paine. They need to have only one thing on their minds at the end of Shotglass, Seth Xavier. They need to leave thinking of you and nothing else. That will ensure that you are on the path to greatness.”
King doesn’t even have to be present for me to know what he wants me to do. All I need to do is think and it is there.
“You need to be at the tip of their tongue when they go to speak. When the women go home, they need to be screaming your name at the end of the night, not the guy that they are with. Make an impression on Havok and Paine. Make them realize at the end of the night, they just got their shit shoved in by the better wrestler. Torture them to get your message across.”
King, he has a way with words, crude but intelligent at the same time, and always clever. I need to make sure that Havok and Martin Paine leave that match knowing that they just got beaten by the new star of Valor. That is what I need to do. But can I do what I need to do? Am I going to have second thoughts again? Or am I going to ram a steel chair into someone’s head? Am I going to shove my foot down someone’s throat? Fuck yes. Just thinking about King’s advice turns me into that other person. He doesn’t even need to present.
“Don’t you want to be the next Eric Hardcastle?”
Yes. My absolute desire. Not to be him personally, but to be him. To be a superstar like him. To be on top of the company. To be on top of Valor. That is what I want. That is my desire, my goal, and I dare say, my destiny. But first I need to take the next baby step. I need to eliminate my opponents from their rungs on the ladder so I can move up. Havok will fall. Paine will fall. Both will fall. I will do what is needed to be done to make sure they aren’t above me in the Valor food chain. My story continues. I face Havok and Martin Paine. I will walk into Shotglass as Seth Xavier, and everyone else will walk out talking about Seth Xavier. It is time for me to rise. It is time for my story to move on.
Good Luck 